Sandra had been a recluse. My grandfather Blair had been overly involved in business matters. My parents had lived in a fantasy world of their own making. Since the day he was born practically my brother Martin has always “done his own thing.” I myself have always been pretty much of a loner. I’ve always inhabited my own small universe, one which is currently replete with all the trappings of a near-hermit lifestyle.
Although it was never verbalized, we each instinctively knew what the rules were. No one pried into anyone else’s affairs. Questions were not asked. Observations were left uncommented on. We always knew to give each other plenty of “space.” And though that never led to a healthy family dynamic, it provided us each with something of equal worth: a way to avoid conflict and a means to protect ourselves. And self-protection has always seemed a core family value for the Ruisdael tribe.
Now that Sandra has died, perhaps Martin and I can reverse that long-standing family tradition. There are too many unspoken issues that need to be addressed. There are too many buffers and barriers that need to be torn down, even if only in retrospect. We need to pull up the rug and deal with all the dirt that’s been swept under it and hidden away to rot. At least I do. And maybe, just maybe, Martin feels that way, too.
Circumstances have put Martin and me in direct contact again. Sandra’s death has opened a small window of opportunity to finally pursue a new course between us. Long-buried secrets—both familial and personal—can now be brought out into the light of day. The question remains, however, do I really want that?
Trying to reconcile with Martin would mean being honest with myself. It would also mean exposing myself to his scrutiny and possible condemnation. For someone with a checkered past like mine, such disclosures never come easy. I take no pleasure in being estranged from him. But when all is said and done, my natural inclination is still to simply follow the path of least resistance. It’s always easiest to simply let things be.
And yet I know the status quo is killing me. Most days recently I find myself just going through the motions feeling numb. Some nights I have panic attacks so severe I feel as if I’m literally going to die at any moment. It doesn’t take a genius to realize I can’t go on like this. Even if I wanted to.
For better or worse, this bend in the road has brought a new terrain into my life. And I know the wisest choice is to take the fork now veering off and walk through it.